.... Update from the scan (and other stressful stuff).

So yeah, I have been crap at updating this, sorry! The truth is, I have been so unbelievably tired lately that i have barely have the energy to make it through the day. Ugh!

Anyway, here it is.

So I had my early scan on Friday 4th November. It was a hideous day from start to finish. Leo woke up at 5am and was sick all over his bed. I was hoping and praying it was a one off but nope, he continued to throw up all morning. Tony was supposed to be coming to the scan with me but obviously had to stay  home with Leo. So i had to go on my own, which wasn't a nice experience. I got to the hospital ok, but then got totally lost in the hospital trying to find the right bit to go to. Then when I eventually find it i couldn't get the pay and display machine to work so had to run around trying to find another one. I sat in  the  waiting room on my own for what felt like an eternity but was probably only 30 mins. And then I had the scan. 

They were very thorough and did an external and internal scan. There were 2 of them and they kept talking between each other in language i didn't really understand, neither of them said anything to me for ages which terrified me. Finally one of them turned to me and said "Well there IS a foetus with a heartbeat" (at which point tears plopped out from my eyes) but then there came the "but". To cut a long story short - there is bleeding around the edge of the sac which is obviously where my episodes of bleeding have come from, and the baby measured a week smaller than my dates, which is worrying as I was fairly sure of my dates. 

Basically they said that the bleeding could just stop and the pregnancy could progress as normal or it may continue and lead to miscarriage. They were very matter of fact with me, which i guess they have to be, but there was nothing comforting or understanding from them at all! I went away with my little scan report to show to my  midwife and got in the car and called Tony. I sobbed down  the phone to him and he was very quiet, i don't think he knew what to say really. :(

I then went on to work, which i wasn't sure was a great idea but actually i think it helped take my mind off of it a tiny bit and get back into 'normal' life. I managed to compose myself by the time i got there and then just got my  head down and  did some work, whilst trying to avoid talking to anyone. 

So that's that, my due date has been pushed forward a week to the 19th June now and we just have to keep our fingers crossed that everything will be ok. 

On the Friday after work I made my way to Guildford to stay with my sister. The whole journey was a total nightmare. My train from Tiverton to Reading was due at 6.10pm but when  Tony dropped me off at the station it had been cancelled!! The next one wasn't due for another hour so i called Tony back to get me and we went off to Tesco to do some shopping and so I could get some cash out. Got there and my debit card wouldn't work in the cashpoint so i took it inside to get some cashback. But it wouldn't work at the tills either and they couldn't override it. So i had NO way of getting any money out. Bearing in mind my  debit card is my only source of money i was feeling rather stressed out. whilst all of this was going on Leo managed to fall over and bang his chin on a pile of baskets. He really hurt himself and was screaming his head off, so how did i deal with this - I cried with him!! Tony called my sister an arranged to have some money transferred from my account into hers so she could give me some money when i got there. Then we got  back to the train station  at 7.10 to get my train and it  was SO hideously packed i had to squeeze myself through the door, like you would on a busy tube. By this point i was feeling very nauseous and standing up in a sea of people on  a fast moving train did not help. I was SURE i was gonna puke  all over everyone  at any moment and had  my  quickest rout to the toilet planned in advance. Thankfully when we got to Taunton I put my ruthless head on and pushed  past all the people and managed to score the one and only seat that had been vacated. I was SO relieved!! The rest of the journey didn't go smoothly either. We had several delays, one due to a punch up on the train, and another due to us having to make an unscheduled stop at Newbury Racecourse to get a woman off the train and into an ambulance as she was in  labour!!! So of course we get to Reading and i have missed my connecting  train! The station was very busy and i had no idea what i was doing or where i was going  but thankfully i  bumped into a parent who attends one of my community groups at work. She works for First Great Western and was able to point me in the right direction of my  next train.  Anyway, the whole thing was hideous and i didn't get to my sister's until gone 11pm!! I was utterly shattered and was out like a light when my head hit the pillow. 

Thankfully the next day I was able to put it all behind me and start afresh. Me and Donna  went to the 'Spirit of Christmas' fayre at London Olympia and had a WONDERFUL day!! It really was fab! It was quite stressful looking after Donna by myself and making sure nobody bumped into her, and that she was ok all the time, but it was so worth it. Donna had a really good time and told me i had done a very good job of looking after her. It annoyed me how inconsiderate people can be around disabled people and one more than one occassion I had to argue with people as to why she deserved a seat  more than they did!! GRRRR!!! I was shocked by the amount of staring that goes on too. I mean, i know people are probably just looking at her and wondering what has happened to her but FFS she isn't a freak show. I did some very good glaring back at them and got some classic embarrassed looks when they saw me! lol! Donna  thought it was pretty hilarious and called me her "bodyguard". I did literally bat a couple of people out of the way. But i was not letting ANYONE ruin our special day together and Donna's biggest fear was getting knocked over. I was amazed by how well she did. She walked for the WHOLE  day. 7 hours!! Although there were obviously lots of breaks for her to sit down and rest for a while.

I had decided not to tell my sister about my pregnancy due to the uncertainty of the scan. However, 5 mins  after we got to the Christmas Fayre  Donna turned to me and said "If I ask you a question, will you answer honeslty?". I said yes and she then said "Are you pregnant?". I was totally shocked and had NO idea how she knew, as i had given no clues whatsoever!! Turns out she suspected it when i asked Mum about the Isofix fittings in our new car! But that was due to Leo's new car seat. Nothing to do with baby seats!! Hilarious!!

Anyway, so of course i told her the whole story and she gave me a hug and told me that she was really pleased for me. Phew! I was so relieved. it was just a shame that we couldn't properly celebrate as its all so uncertain. The bonus was i was able to share with her how sick i felt. The tiredness  from the day before  really affected me i think. It seems that my sickness gets much worse when i'm tired. 

We had a really lovely weekend and i was SO pleased to see how well my sister is doing. Her progress is slow now and she and Pete are struggling to adjust to this long term, but I have every faith she will continue to improve. It's only been 6 months since her stroke and considering how unwell she was to begin with she has come an incredibly long way. I can't wait to see how much further she progresses in the next 6 months! 

The scan was over a week ago now and I have only had one very small bleed since then, it was only really a tiny bit of blood when i wiped, nothing more. I definitely still feel pregnant, i'm knackered all the time, feel sick often and need to eat ALL the time. I'm already sporting an enlarged tummy,  but that is definitely due to the amount of food i'm eating and not a baby bump!!

I'm trying to focus on the positives and have even made my first baby purchase. I got the exact same crib we had for Leo from someone local on ebay. In very good condition and only £30! It's £120 new from mothercare. Very happy! Some might see it as tempting fate, but it WILL get used sometime in the future so what's the harm in buying it now? 

Anyway,  i have waffled on way too much now and i have promised to make biscuits and cakes with Leo today (mainly so i can scoff them! lol) so i better get on with it. 

Now the mammoth update is out of the way I'll try really hard to update more regularly! 

Thanks for listening. Take care of yourselves, and each other. ;)